Grief is an integral part of healing from divorce. It’s the one inescapable response to divorce every partner has to confront. Even though feelings of grief are natural after the loss of a marriage and a way of life, the process of grieving can feel unnatural.

Grief cannot be rushed, so letting yourself have space and time to mourn your losses is one of the most effective ways to honor your pain and ensure your long-term recovery. As with many issues for which we seek guidance and advice, there are many opinions, strategies, and methods for healing. Grief is no different, and the choices of how to move through this delicate process can be overwhelming.

Grief cannot be conquered, and there is no rhyme or reason to the journey. Taking small action steps toward releasing the past and saying goodbye is both doable and wise. Here are the steps of one type of grief ritual to support you in moving through your grief.

How a Grief Ritual Can Support You During Your Divorce

What Is Grief?

By definition, grief is the conflicting emotions caused by an end or a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. This definition explains why the grief from divorce feels so confusing. There is no body, but the change is painful. While grieving is a natural human experience, it’s also learned. We develop our beliefs about grief through the modeling we experience growing up.

In most other cultures, people scream, dance, cry, ritualize, and even celebrate loss. Yet in modern American culture, we tend to delay or wallow in our grief. Brushing feelings aside and trying to power through just extends the time of suffering. Here are some common mistaken beliefs about grief:

  • Do it in private.
  • Keep busy and distracted.
  • Hold back tears.
  • Don’t isolate.
  • Ride out the stages.
  • Time will heal.
  • Look strong from the outside.

Why Time Doesn’t Heal

One of the most common comments grievers receive is that the pain will pass with time. There is a lessening of hurt that naturally occurs, but this has more to do with memory than the heart. Memory fades with time, but time alone doesn’t heal. It’s what you do within that time that makes the difference.

Grief As a Ritual

Properly grieving requires action and effort. An excellent way to grieve from divorce is through the use of a grief ritual. Rituals are ceremonial acts that bring intention and integrity to grief. When we ritualize something, we are giving it our full attention and effort. Here are four steps to completing a grief ritual around releasing the past and moving forward:

Step One: Make a Let-Go List

Create a quiet space of reflection. Have a notebook and pen handy. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and make a list of all the thoughts, feelings, memories, and attachments you want to let go of. Once you have your list, go back and pick the top three to five losses you want to create a ritual around releasing.

Step Two: Concretize Your Release

Now that you have your specific losses, bring them into a more concrete form. Choose something from nature that represents what you’re releasing: rocks, branches, flowers, or pinecones. Assign a loss to each item. You can even paint a word representing what you’re releasing onto the rocks. The item must be biodegradable and earth-friendly so it can be welcomed back into the earth.

Step Three: Write a Eulogy

This is a way of honoring your marriage and releasing what you no longer want to carry. Think of it as a tribute: What is the legacy? What did you learn? What was valuable? Writing a eulogy can offer insight into the more positive aspects of the marriage.

Step Four: Perform the Burial

Find a spot where you can dig a small hole for your natural items to be buried. Before placing them in the earth, say: “Thank you, mother earth, for holding my pain and helping me release my suffering. I’m ready to let go of what I’m giving you today.” Cover the burial site and read your eulogy out loud.

The experience of grief is as unpredictable as it is universal. Let yourself explore the many rituals grievers can practice and create a meaningful closure that’s just right for you.